Heartbroken...

Yes, I am heartbroken…

No, no one cheated me in love.

But, yes, still I am heartbroken…

            Confused??? Read on…

            Past few months had been bit taxing on me; physically, mentally and emotionally, all as a mother.

            A girl usually when she enters her teens, starts dreaming; about her life, about her career, about marriage, about her prince charming, about her kids… yes girls are hopeless dreamers. I too was one.

            When my pregnancy got confirmed after two years of marriage I was elated. Like any other expectant parents, me and my husband, started making plans for our child.

If it’s a girl…

If it’s a boy…

What should we name him/her?

What will be his/her pet name? etc…

When my daughter was born, I was happy. I had longed for a girl, as we can always dress her in pretty dresses. But all my dreams were crushed in couple of days.

When you are pregnant, everyone pampers you but no one prepares you for the after effects. Neither was I. No one told me that how painful labour will be nor about the sleepless nights which I am gonna face. But I was lucky to have supportive parents who helped me at that time.

When my daughter’s milestones were delayed, I was worried, but still consoled myself saying she will be fine. Days gave way to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. Every time I visited my pediatric he used to say ‘nothing to worry, some kids are slow initially. Don’t worry all will be fine’. Every change of doctor, gave me same answer. There seemed to be no light at end of my tunnel.

I had a creative streak in me. I used to collect articles used for making and decorating creative arts and crafts and make articles for self or friends. Also things which we moms think our child will use it when the right time comes.

I had preserved them all for so many years … till now.

But till recently, when I was searching for something, my past came tumbling out of the closet. All the decorative materials collected over the decades; laces, sequins, various color texture papers, mehndi designs, art books and what not.

I just kept staring at it for some time… tears swelled up in my eyes. God can be so cruel sometimes. What all dreams a woman weaves when she is pregnant with her first child. How cruel fate can be???

No, I won’t post a picture of my collection. I gave away all my collection to someone or other who will make use of those materials and create masterpieces.

Why?

I don’t have that creative streak or patience or energy in me now. And also taking care of my daughter 24*7, household work and my small home venture takes most of my time and energy now-a-days. 

But yes I was heartbroken when I saw all those things which I had accumulated and which I gave away with heavy heart to those who might make a good use of it. And I don’t regret it.

But still I am heartbroken.

It was not easy to part away with things from your past. It never is and never was. But with heavy heart I let them go.

This is not only me but story of most mothers of differently able kids who sacrifice everything, just for sake of their child; hoping things will be normal. One day they will experience normal parenthood, kids will enjoy normal childhood, have a normal life.

But most are left heartbroken. I know after reading some will say, I am depressed, I am having negative approach of life.

I won’t deny. But has anyone tried to understand the life or feelings of mother of a special needs child. I am happy when my daughter takes a teeny weeny step forward, however small her improvement might be, but I am happy yet sad.

But when we see other kids of same age or kids of our friends, colleagues or relatives, our heart cries, though our eyes don’t shed tears now. They have dried long back. Being a mother is not easy and being a mother to differently able child is even more difficult.

WE are heartbroken but not broken. WE are tired but have not given up. WE have fallen but after some time WE will get up, pick up pieces and go forward. Because, a single word uttered, a single step taken, a single milestone achieved, a single task done is a big reward itself for us.

That doesn’t mean we have stopped dreaming. No. Our dreams have changed. Our goals have changed. Sometimes we still dream all will be normal, even though we know it won’t. That’s not negative approach but we are being practical.

Though heartbroken, we hope. We hope for a better future for our kids, a secure future.

Some might take it as a rant or I am venting my frustration. But if voicing our sentiments, our feelings are labeled as frustration, so be it. And these are not my words/feelings alone.

But of all mothers who have sacrificed their dreams, their careers, their ambitions, everything just to take care of their little ones… be it normal or a differently able child.

Some might say, what so great about it, its our duty to take care of our children. Yes, it is but aren’t we humans too. Don’t we have our dreams? Why should only we sacrifice and go unnoticed?

A woman’s life is not easy as it seems, though very few seem to notice.

Salute to all moms out there, who go with their daily chores with a smile on face whereas in reality their mind and body is begging for some rest and a break from their daily routine.

Hats off to all moms.