Yes,
I am heartbroken…
No,
no one cheated me in love.
But,
yes, still I am heartbroken…
Confused??? Read on…
Past few months had been bit taxing
on me; physically, mentally and emotionally, all as a mother.
A girl usually when she enters her
teens, starts dreaming; about her life, about her career, about marriage, about
her prince charming, about her kids… yes girls are hopeless dreamers. I too was
one.
When my pregnancy got confirmed
after two years of marriage I was elated. Like any other expectant parents, me
and my husband, started making plans for our child.
If it’s a girl…
If it’s a boy…
What should we name him/her?
What will be his/her pet name? etc…
When my daughter was born, I was happy. I
had longed for a girl, as we can always dress her in pretty dresses. But all my
dreams were crushed in couple of days.
When you are pregnant, everyone pampers you
but no one prepares you for the after effects. Neither was I. No one told me
that how painful labour will be nor about the sleepless nights which I am gonna
face. But I was lucky to have supportive parents who helped me at that time.
When my daughter’s milestones were delayed,
I was worried, but still consoled myself saying she will be fine. Days gave way
to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. Every time I visited my pediatric
he used to say ‘nothing to worry, some kids are slow initially. Don’t worry all
will be fine’. Every change of doctor, gave me same answer. There seemed to be
no light at end of my tunnel.
I had a creative streak in me. I used to
collect articles used for making and decorating creative arts and crafts and
make articles for self or friends. Also things which we moms think our child
will use it when the right time comes.
I had preserved them all for so many years
… till now.
But till recently, when I was searching for
something, my past came tumbling out of the closet. All the decorative
materials collected over the decades; laces, sequins, various color texture
papers, mehndi designs, art books and what not.
I just kept staring at it for some time…
tears swelled up in my eyes. God can be so cruel sometimes. What all dreams a
woman weaves when she is pregnant with her first child. How cruel fate can
be???
No, I won’t post a picture of my
collection. I gave away all my collection to someone or other who will make use
of those materials and create masterpieces.
Why?
I don’t have that creative streak or
patience or energy in me now. And also taking care of my daughter 24*7,
household work and my small home venture takes most of my time and energy
now-a-days.
But yes I was heartbroken when I saw all
those things which I had accumulated and which I gave away with heavy heart to
those who might make a good use of it. And I don’t regret it.
But still I am heartbroken.
It was not easy to part away with things
from your past. It never is and never was. But with heavy heart I let them go.
This is not only me but story of most
mothers of differently able kids who sacrifice everything, just for sake of
their child; hoping things will be normal. One day they will experience normal
parenthood, kids will enjoy normal childhood, have a normal life.
But most are left heartbroken. I know after
reading some will say, I am depressed, I am having negative approach of life.
I won’t deny. But has anyone tried to
understand the life or feelings of mother of a special needs child. I am happy
when my daughter takes a teeny weeny step forward, however small her
improvement might be, but I am happy yet sad.
But when we see other kids of same age or
kids of our friends, colleagues or relatives, our heart cries, though our eyes
don’t shed tears now. They have dried long back. Being a mother is not easy and
being a mother to differently able child is even more difficult.
WE are heartbroken but not broken. WE are
tired but have not given up. WE have fallen but after some time WE will get up,
pick up pieces and go forward. Because, a single word uttered, a single step
taken, a single milestone achieved, a single task done is a big reward itself
for us.
That doesn’t mean we have stopped dreaming.
No. Our dreams have changed. Our goals have changed. Sometimes we still dream
all will be normal, even though we know it won’t. That’s not negative approach
but we are being practical.
Though heartbroken, we hope. We hope for a
better future for our kids, a secure future.
Some might take it as a rant or I am
venting my frustration. But if voicing our sentiments, our feelings are labeled
as frustration, so be it. And these are not my words/feelings alone.
But of all mothers who have sacrificed
their dreams, their careers, their ambitions, everything just to take care of
their little ones… be it normal or a differently able child.
Some might say, what so great about it, its
our duty to take care of our children. Yes, it is but aren’t we humans too.
Don’t we have our dreams? Why should only we sacrifice and go unnoticed?
A woman’s life is not easy as it seems,
though very few seem to notice.
Salute to all moms out there, who go with
their daily chores with a smile on face whereas in reality their mind and body
is begging for some rest and a break from their daily routine.
Hats off to all moms.
